Dosho Port has written a lovely post about what it's like when your life is Disrupted, with a capital "D." This is the kind of disruption that throws your universe out of order, such as an unexpected death or job loss. Dosho writes,
"Waking in the wee hours, the swirl of confusion, sadness, blame or self-justification - and all the other 52 flavors - gains momentum, and the inner voice cries out, 'I am not that story! I am this other one!'"
Some disruptions not only rip apart the present; they also rip apart our expectations for the future. Where there was once a clear and inviting road ahead of us, now there is wilderness. The life we had planned in our heads, the life we expected, is lost.
My first Zen teacher used to say that we all live in a box, and the box is made up of who we think we are and how we think our lives should be. There's nothing like a sudden disruption to show us what a delusion that is.
I can look back at past disruptions and see that, in many ways, I'm in a better place now than I would have been without them. There's nothing like getting all of your props kicked out from under you at once to force you out of your comfort zone -- since it's not there any more -- and into something new. Like (in my case) a Zen center.
That doesn't mean I handle the next disruption without breaking a sweat. Sometimes I want to yell at the cosmos, Hey, I'm an old lady now. Enough, already! Give me a break! But that's not how it works.
In her book When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron said,
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
She also said, "The first noble truth of the Buddha is that when we feel suffering, it doesn't mean that something is wrong." I would add, not every disruption is a problem that needs to be "fixed."
Possibly some of you reading this have been hit with a recent disruption. My heart goes out to you. Know that hidden within your bleakest moments is the hand of the Bodhisattva, reaching to help you. You may not recognize it, right away, but it's there.
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