I'm slowly recovering from a nasty upper respiratory infection, which means that my zazen has been punctuated with coughing and sniffling. One might think it was hardly worth sitting zazen at all.
But if there's one thing I've finally learned, it's to not judge whether a particular experience of meditation is "good" or "bad." We might always want to enter samadhi, but the fact is that even after years of sitting we sometimes find ourselves struggling with "monkey mind," not to mention discomfort or sleepiness.
But in some way I can't quite explain, it sometimes seems the "bad" meditation can be the "best" meditation.
There's a Japanese word, joriki, sometimes used in Zen. It is "mind power," or the power of concentration. Joriki is cultivated by dedicated daily meditation, something like the way a regular weight-lifting program builds muscle.
Joriki is not something that only happens during meditation. Yasutani Hakuun Roshi called it "a dynamic power that enables us even in the most sudden and unexpected situations to act instantly, without pausing to collect our wits, and in a manner wholly appropriate to the circumstances."
Doing your wholehearted best through a difficult sitting period cultivates that mind power. You may not feel it right away, or it may surprise you with an experience of deep clarity that comes "out of the blue." The point is to not feel frustrated when you struggle with meditation, or judge yourself to be a "bad" meditator. Just sit with whatever is there, and do your best.
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