In an earlier blog post, regular commenter Hein asked a question about giving and making merit that deserves a thoughtful response. Does giving as a practice of selflessness cultivate a "slave mentality" that makes us unhealthily subservient to others? The short answer, I think, is "no," but it's important to understand why.
First, let's review dana paramita -- the perfection of giving. The "perfection" refers to giving and receiving without the giver-receiver dualism. Giving and receiving define each other; there's no giving without receiving. And there are no givers without receivers. So it's important to respect receiving as much as giving. Giver-receiver, giving-receiving, are one.
Of course, here in Relativity World, givers usually take a more proactive role in the transaction. And as far as I know, there are no teachings about making merit by receiving stuff (bummer).
The perfection of giving appears to be one of those fruits-of-practice things that happens naturally in its own time. You can't do it by will-power alone.
It's common for people new to practice to think that Buddhists are supposed to be generous, and nice! Always nice! So they wrap themselves in a "good Buddhist" persona that is always generous, and always nice. But that's just faking it, and the persona usually doesn't last long, anyway. As long as all your old greediness and existential angst are still roiling around in you, unexamined, they will chip away at the "good Buddhist" and re-exert themselves, sooner or later.
I've heard from people who say that they are trying very hard to practice generosity but find themselves feeling resentful about it. Other people just take advantage of them. Does being Buddhist mean you have to be a patsy?
To paraphrase an old cigarette commercial -- if you are giving more but enjoying it less, maybe you need a new approach. Be honest with yourself about your motivations. Also be honest with yourself about how much you can give before you deplete your own resources.
It's okay to say "no" sometimes. Remember, the perfection of giving also means responding to what people really need, not just to what they might want. This isn't always something you can know, but sometimes "no" is what the other person really needs.
If you have a family to take care of and a job and bills to pay, those have to be a priority. Especially if you are raising children or caring for elderly parents, you might find making time for practice is a big enough challenge without volunteering to work in a soup kitchen as well.
Indeed, giving good-hearted children to the world may be the greatest dana of all. When they leave the nest you can volunteer at the soup kitchen.
I think it's OK to specialize. I tend to step in and volunteer when I see something that needs doing that I am uniquely able to do. For example, if you are uniquely good at bookkeeping, maybe your "dana thing" could be to keep the books for the sangha or for the soup kitchen folks, if that's something you have time to do. And then let other people take care of things they are uniquely able to do. The work gets done; the community is nurtured. And you aren't making yourself crazy being everybody else's good fairy.
Seriously, as part of volunteer work I've known people who insisted on inserting themselves into everything, sometimes taking over tasks they actually couldn't do very well and refusing help and advice from those who could do them well. This is Big Ego at work. If you genuinely respect others, then you genuinely respect, and appreciate, what others can contribute.
As far as selflessness is concerned, that comes with practice, and with spiritual maturity. You can't will it or force it. But remember what Thanissaro Bhikkhu said about giving and making merit as a foundation for practice. "[O]ne cannot wisely let go of one's sense of self until one has developed a wise sense of self. The pursuit of merit is the Buddhist way to develop a wise sense of self."
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